Wow. I don’t where to begin. I guess I will start by saying that I am truly, truly blessed to have a such amazing, compassionate, and selfless husband. Without him, I wouldn’t have been able to get through the long, yet humbling story that I’m about to tell. Levi, thank you for being there for me this past weekend. I love you more and more every day that we spend together.
As I have written in past blogs, having a baby has changed everything about my life. Many of those changes have been extremely positive and welcomed. However, anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t take change very well, if its unwelcomed. I am…a bit of a control freak. So, when Noah started crawling around I thought to myself, “yay!!! A mobile baby!!!! He doesn’t need me to carry him around everywhere!” Little did I know, this new milestone Noah had embarked on would interupt other things in my life, precious things, and I am not talking about child proofing my house. Oh no, I am talking about my sleep. You see, Noah’s new escapades also started right around the time he learned mom and dad weren’t in the room with him while he’s sleeping. Noah is going through separation anxiety while he sleeps, along with the need to be more mobile in his crib, where he sits and stands up not knowing how to lay back down. My amazing sleeper has been getting up on average 3-4 times a night for the past 2 weeks, which means I have been getting up 3-4 times a night for the past 2 weeks. Exhaustion quickly set in and I could no longer fall back asleep quickly after I put Noah back to bed, so I haven’t been sleeping well at all. And it was only going to get a little more difficult for this new mom and her Noah bean.
Noah caught a cold and started showing symptoms Wednesday evening, and was running a fever all of Thursday. Now, I don’t know if you are aware but an infant with a cold has sleepless nights written all over it due to congestion. We already weren’t sleeping well, why not we add congestion into the mix. Luckily, (I say with sarcasm) Noah had his 9 month appointment on Friday, so his pediatrician could check his throat and ears just to rule out any other possible culprits to Noah’s misery. Unfortunately, we were seeing a new pediatrician, at the same practice, because the one who had been seeing Noah since he was born had moved. I was optimistic, until she asked about vaccinations. Levi and I decided, as a couple and Noah’s parents to hold off on vaccinating Noah due to personal reasons. Our previous pediatrician was very respectful of that, the new one however, was not. She wouldn’t listen to why we had decided to wait, and her only argument, which she took every opportunity to sharply point out, was that if we don’t vaccinate Noah, he will/ could die. Seriously? I was so upset with her, I, ugh, have no nice words to say. She then noticed that Noah had lost 4 ounces in 3 weeks and was concerned. I guess I should have mentioned that the first thing she said when she walked into the room was that Noah was a perfectly round baby and that it didn’t look like he was missing meals. In other words, she thought he looked very healthy. But now, since the numbers are slightly different, she had this to say: “You are exclusively nursing right? Hmmm, maybe you should give Noah a little formula in a cup for him to drink, just so he can get the extra calories. It’s very normal for a mom to not be able to keep up with their baby’s caloric needs when they start crawling and walking.” Are you kidding me??? Thats all I could think about. This pediatrician, a woman mind you, was not very empowering what so ever, nor did she care how she came across. I swear, doctors work for formula companies. They always want you to supplement with formula, because women apparently aren’t made to feed and nourish their babies anymore. Now please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say that formula is horrible, its just that I believe that the absolute best nutrition for my Noah is breast milk. And I worked very hard for weeks to make sure I could breast feed my baby exclusively. So for a doctor to tell me that I need to supplement because I can’t keep up with him, right after she said he was, for lack of a better word, a chubbster! It’s just very belittling. Needless to say, we won’t be seeing her again.
Ugh, I wish that was the end of the story….that doesn’t seem so bad right?
Well, it turns out that I caught Noah’s cold, so were both coughing, sneezing and boogery. Friday night, I told levi that he had baby duty (meaning he had to get up with Noah in the middle of the night, if he woke up). Noah did wake up and was extremely needy and levi just slept with Noah on the couch. I don’t think they got much sleep, I didn’t either. Between congestion and my sore throat how could I? On Saturday I did get a good nap in, and I was starting to see a light at the end of my boogers. We gave Noah a bath and started getting him ready for bed. I was feeding him one last time, and then it happened….he threw up….for the first time….all over the couch….and me….and the pillows….and….ugh, it was gross and sad at the same time. I felt helpless for him. Now, I need to point out that I am, and will forever be, traumatised by everything that has to do with throw up. I fear it, 100 percent. I fight doing it with all my might. I fear other people doing it. I remember every time I have thrown up, every time my brother and sister have thrown up and where they did. I remember what I had to eat and won’t eat it again. I remember locations and times of year and dwell on them and compare whether or not its physically possible to throw up during those times. I.hate.throwing.up. I just cannot handle it, and yet, I did ok Saturday night when with Noah. Although, that wasn’t going to be the only time. Noah proceeded to throw up all Sunday, and after what turned out to be the last time, I held Noah. He had his head tucked into my chest, thumb in his mouth, and I…was balling. I felt like the worse mom there ever was. I was scared to hold Noah because I thought he would throw up on me. I felt like he didn’t know how much I loved him and hurt for him because he was sick. I was balling because I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea how to take care of a sick baby. I felt helpless. You don’t think of these moments when you sign on to be a parent.
I stepped out to go to the store for some pedialite and I called my mom and cried to her. She asked me “are you aware that you are exhausted and sick and that’s why you aren’t coping well?”. Nope, hadn’t thought of that. I hadn’t really slept in weeks and I was battling a cold and was very, very emotional. It made sense. I came home, looked at my baby and looked at my husband and felt a sense of relief. And levi told me to go take a nap. I wouldn’t have survived this weekend without him. Heck, I wouldn’t have survived the last 9 months without him. Exhaustion can sneek up on you, yesterday I was lucky enough to take a nap. It’s funny what a few hours of uninterrupted sleep can do for a mom (and the occasional piece of chocolate and back rub). I love my levi and my Noah. Now the next thing we get to work on is Noah’s separation anxiety. Bring it on.
Until next time….
Have a fabulous day!