Labor Day weekend it will 2 years since my life changed. I still think about what happened everyday, and I am very painfully learning that thinking about it isn’t helping me move forward. In, fact it does nothing but continue to break me and try and keep me as far away from God as I can be. I have been listening to the same song for a few days now, and I especially have been turning it on when I sit down to write this blog. Yes, I have been trying to write this for a few days now. Usually, my food posts take no time at all to write. But posts with more depth, take longer for me to write, and usually take on a few different identities and drafts. The song I’ve been listening to is called “Tight Rope Line” by The Turning. It’s about taking that next step God has for us, not being afraid to take it, and leaving our past behind us. I posted the lyrics at the end of this post. It’s a really good song. 

I am 32 years old and I feel like I need to figure out what I am going to do with my life, as I believe most people my age already have their life mapped out. Someone very dear to me pointed out that I already have my life figured out: I have a wonderful husband and 3 amazing kids that I’m raising with my man, and by God’s grace I hope we don’t fail at that! My initial response to her was guilt, that I’m not looking at my life the way I should be, that it’s amazing and well…complete. Solomon tells us in the book of Ecclesiastes, that the life we spend on this earth, in essence is vanity, it’s meaningless. Our physical lives will bring us no lasting satisfaction (Ecc 1:8). He spends the better part of 6 chapters on what is essentially his repentance to God, and how searching for worldly pleasure and success will never satisfy our soul (Ecc 2:10-11). If we live for the world, we will find life to be empty (1Tim 6:6-10; 17). Oh if I had a whole book to talk about my repentance to God!!! I’m sure I would need a whole library to repent of all the sin in my life. But what Solomon also says about our life here on this Earth, is that if we live it, with God, we can have extraordinary lives. Not everything in this life has to be vanity. Living with wisdom and God in this world is good (Ecc. 2:12-14). Living with the enjoyment of God’s gifts and blessings in the world is good (Ecc. 2:25). Enjoyment of our work and fruits of our labor comes right from the hand of God (Ecc. 2:26). But I need to be careful that whatever job I do get or how much money we have are not God, but understand that they are gifts from God. And that whatever path I choose to take, or side of the tight rope I fall on, I do with faithfulness and obedience.


 I thought I had to be something amazing and spectacular to be content with my life, that I had to excel in everything that I did. But I don’t. True contentment in this life comes through a life of faith and obedience. I’m going to fail, I have failed many, many times, oh how I have failed. I have broken hearts, I have judged others unfairly, I have lied, even cheated I’m sure. And yet, I have never been alone in any part of my life. God has been there with me through every hardship, every happy moment, every trial and every time I have cried, I just never really took the time to see him. But the more I think about my life, the more I see God’s grace, love and mercy in it. He was there for me, my sister and my mom when my dad left, no doubt the darkest time for my family. He was there with me through my eating disorder, giving me the strength to learn how to eat and fight the thoughts in my head. He was there when I got married, providing me with such a peace and assurance that Levi was the man He had made for me. He was there when each of my children were born, I saw Him when I held each of my kids for the first time. He was there 2 years ago, and has been every day since. I’m just not that good at leaning on Him, like I should. I’m sure if I look to Him more throughout my day, my thoughts will be more focused and my faith stronger.

I cleaned out my closet today, something that always seems to need to be done. It’s hard to go through boxes of clothes, of someone you used to be. But I need to close the box of the past and open the ones to the present. I also came across pictures I put away 2 years ago, because they were too hard to look at. But today, I pulled one out and put it on my dresser. It’s a start. It’s painful, but progress takes pain most of the time. And I’m ready to stop walking the tight rope in my life. 

“Tight Rope Line” by The Turning (music is nothing but a piano)

There’s a line I’m balancing on between childhood and this, man

It’s a line drawn separating what will be and what has, been

Like a tight rope line I’m walking, unable to fall one way

Here I am so close to what You want me to be someday

There’s a life I’m wresting to find between tomorrow and yesterday 

It’s a life I’ve been invisioning since that day that I was, made

Like a short stop I’ve been standing somewhere in between 

Now it’s time I pack myself up and head for what’s in Your reach

Chorus

Help me find my way into the chapter that follows today

Let me be so bold to leave this comfortable life I lead

Find me at Your feet, pleading with You to call on me

Make them obsolete, these childish wonderings away from Your peace


There’s a hill I find myself on between dreams and wide awake

Not so far from places I’ve run but it’s all been made for me

And I just can’t keep from smiling whenever I see that place

Won’t You help me find my way up, to where I can meet its embrace

So call me on, lead me on, take me on 

Chorus

There’s a line I’m balancing on between childhood and this, man

Until next time….

Have a fabulous day! 



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